The Wedding
by Kaira-chan15
Summary: Sequel to 'Kisame's New Boyfriend'. In which all of Konoha and the Akatsuki are invited to witness the joining of one happy and excited Kisame, and a very unyielding ticked off Sasuke. KisaSasu crack


A/N: Gahhh I took forever to get this up. I wrote this awhile ago but I've been working on other projects and haven't focused on getting this up. Anyways, this is the sequel to 'Kisame's New Boyfriend', basically how I think the wedding would go. Yay, more crack! Constructive criticism is welcome. Enjoy! ^_^

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

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The Wedding

"Hold still dear and let me tighten this for you…"

"No, I won't – GAH!"

"I'm sorry hon. I didn't mean to prick you."

"Well then don't use safety pins!"

"I have to use something to make this tighter! You have no boobs to hold this strapless dress up, so we'll have to improvise."

"For the last time, bitch, I'm –"

"Oh sorry sweetie, I didn't mean to offend you. Some girls are just late bloomers. You'll sprout some eventually!"

"Are you friggin blind?! I'm a guy!"

"Yes, yes, I know. Kisame-sama told me how much of a tomboy you are."

"Kisame can go to hell, and take you with him!"

"Now, now, that's not the way to talk about your soon-to-be hubby!"

"Aghhhh, I am NOT marrying him!"

"Everyone gets pre-wedding jitters, sweetheart."

Uchiha Sasuke released a combined sigh of annoyance and frustration. The old, irritating, and apparently blind hag in front of him was who Kisame had chosen to get Sasuke ready for their wedding. The crazy old bat was convinced Sasuke was a girl (he thought she would've realized she was wrong after she forcibly undressed him and dressed him again, but apparently not.)

It was a week after Kisame and Itachi came and kidnapped Naruto and Sasuke, and after much preparation, the day of the wedding had arrived. Naruto, who was being forced to be ring bearer, was located in the room next to Sasuke's, also getting "freshened up" against his will.

Anyways, back to the current problem. The dress Kisame and Itachi has chosen for Sasuke was strapless, and as Sasuke obviously lacked the, ahem, parts to hold it up, changes had to be made.

"Oh foo, this isn't working!" the old woman said, pouting. Suddenly a stroke of genius came to her. "I know, let's make sleeves!" she exclaimed.

"Out of what?" Sasuke questioned in annoyance, pulling at the chakra bindings on his wrists and ankles, the only things restraining him from chidori-ing this hag to next Tuesday.

"Why, your dress of course!"

"What do you – NO!" he protested as she prepared to rip a rather large strip from the bottom of his already short dress.

"Why not? I have to. You don't have the curves to hold the dress up. If you chest was half as curvy as your hips, _then_ it would work."

"MY HIPS AREN'T FEMININE!" the poor raven haired boy nearly screamed.

"Whatever you say dear." She hummed as she neatly cut off a large strip from the white dress. "There, now that wasn't so bad, was it?"

"You bitch! Look how short it is now!" Sasuke squealed, shifting in discomfort as the woman worked on attaching his sleeves.

"What's bad about short? Now it shows more of your pretty legs!"

"I'm a guy; I don't want to show off my legs!"

With a note of finality she said, "You look pretty."

"I look slutty."

FEMININESASUKEFEMININESASUKEFEMININESASUKEFEMININESASUKE

Stumble, trip, swear, elbow, smack, stumble again. Sasuke grumbled unhappily as his beloved brother yanked him down the ridiculously long aisle, taking "disciplinary action" if the younger Uchiha attempted to escape.

It was a living hell.

On the left side of the aisle all the residents of Konoha were squished into the pews. The females looked towards Sasuke with pity and Kisame with jealousy, especially Sakura and Ino. The males on the other hand couldn't be more amused. The raven haired bride could take the snickers and the pointing fingers. However, when Kiba decided to wolf whistle the result was pointy teeth and blood littering the floor and Itachi giving his brother a generous whack on the head.

The Akatsuki members were on the right side of the aisle, filling up not even one entire row. They were all chuckling except for Deidara, who was too busy sneaking up behind Sasuke to flip up the back of his tiny dress. A feminine scream echoed throughout the church, followed by Sasuke donkey-kicking the blonde's face and Itachi speeding up his and Sasuke's pace.

"Now brother dear, I want you to do as you're told," Itachi hissed as they neared the beaming Kisame and the priest who looked suspiciously like Sasori in a tall hat and gold and white robes. "When Kisame says 'I do', you say 'I wouldn't have anyone else in the world'. When Kisame leans in to kiss you, you bury your hands in his hair, shove your tongue down his throat, the whole shebang. Are we clear?"

"Like a kaleidoscope."

WHACK!

"And don't be a smartass."

The brothers reached the small platform where Kisame greeted them with tear-filled eyes.

"Itachi, dear, dear Itachi-san," he started, clasping hands with said man. "Handing your only beloved brother over to me, me of all people! I know how hard it must be for you to let him go…"

If Sasuke would have been drinking something, it definitely would've shot out his nose as he snorted. This earned him an elbow ground into his ribs.

"Hn, don't dwell on it Kisame. You're doing me a favor. If my brother is hitched then he'll have so much less time to try and kill me won't he?" He freed his hands as Sasuke shot him a venomous glare. "Step up into the arms of your new hubby, Sasuke-chan," he mocked with a smirk.

Remaining silent, the youngest Uchiha stood rooted to the spot.

Itachi's gaze hardened. "Don't be a stubborn brat, otouto," he hissed.

"I am _not_ stepping up there," Sasuke whispered with equal ferocity. "Have _him_ come down here."

Puzzled, Itachi examined his brother with interest. "Why?" A blush dusted Sasuke's pale cheeks. He mumbled something incoherent. "What was that?"

Sasuke glared. "It's a big step and this is a short dress," he repeated quietly, staring angrily at the floor.

Brief amused chuckles fell from the elder brother's mouth and Sasuke nearly peed his pants. "Are you _laughing_?" he asked in disbelief.

"Ahh, foolish little brother," he snickered, regaining his composure. "You have so much more to worry about."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?

Instead of answering Itachi lifted Sasuke by the waist, ignoring his protests, and deposited him on the platform next to Kisame who happily clung onto the small boy. Itachi then stepped off to the side, allowing Naruto to walk up to the stage. Sasuke observed him with surprise. Who knew the blonde could clean up so well? The black suit was definitely much more flattering than the orange jumpsuit, and the boy's blonde locks were slicked back and tamed. _I wonder how much gel it took to get his hair like that..._

Naruto swallowed nervously and held out the silk pillow with the two gold bands on it. Kisame took one and slid it onto his large ring finger with slight difficulty before plucking up the other one. He gently gathered up Sasuke's hand and attempted to uncurl the right first, but to no avail. Frowning, he looked to his partner for assistance.

With a sigh Itachi shot Sasuke a look that said 'put-the-ring-on-or-the-idiot-dies'. In return the younger brother flashed a sneer which conveyed 'go-ahead-he's-in-on-it-anyways'. Now becoming frustrated, Itachi gave a 'do-it-or-else-you'll-regret-it' glare, in which Sasuke responded with a matching glare, saying 'bring-it-bitch'. Deciding this was the last straw, Itachi smirked a 'do-it-or-I'll-give-you-to-Deidara-instead' smirk.

Horrified, Sasuke grudgingly unfurled his fingers, allowing Kisame to slip the ring on with ease. Meeting Naruto's eyes, Sasuke shot him a 'you-are-so-dead' glare. The blonde glanced back at the row the Akatsuki were in and gave Sasuke a terrified look that meant 'not-by-your-hands' before Itachi hauled him away.

The tall blue man clutched the young boy's hand in a vice-like grip and pulled him up to the priest/Sasori.

"I want to make this short and sweet because I hate making people wait," the red haired man began in a bored tone. "So, Hoshigaki Kisame, do you take Uchiha Sasuke to be your lovely wedded….wife?" he asked, pausing to look Sasuke up and down in confusion.

"I do!" Kisame beamed, his grip on Sasuke's hand tightening if that was even possible.

Turning to the tense, pissed off Uchiha, Sasori asked "Do you, Uchiha runt, take Kisame as your…lovely…wedded husband?"

Terrified, Sasuke's eyes swiveled around to observe the faces around him, looking for help, because we all know that in anime your enemies patiently wait for you to have five minute flashbacks and think through things and make up plans, the whole shebang, before they make a move.

He located Tsunade in the first row, looking drop-dead with her hair down and in a sequined violet dress. He shot her a desperate, hateful look, questioning why she wasn't asserting her authority as Hokage to stop this. She offered a toothy, apologetic grin and held up a small rectangular piece of paper that he squinted to see. It was a check for 500,000 yen (or 5,000 dollars) from the Akatsuki, or Itachi to be exact. _Since when does he have that kind of money…Holy shit! That asshole took that out of my inheritance money!_

Sasuke turned to flash his smirking brother the finger before returning his glare to Tsunade. Next to her Shizune, with her hair in a pretty up-do and wearing a dress of a darker purple shade, was frowning. She caught the young Uchiha's gaze and mouthed the word 'sorry'.

He sighed and glanced at Sakura who was sitting next to Kakashi. He couldn't stop his eyes from traveling down her slim frame. She looked beautiful in her strapless red dress and curled pink locks. His eyes returned to her face to catch her mouthing the words 'I-will-save-you-once-I-rally-up-a-group-and-get-out-of-this-ridiculous-dress'.

Next to Sakura, his sensei was grinning like a madman. Sasuke caught his eye and Kakashi broke out into devious 'you're-so-screwed' chuckles. Sasuke's eyes narrowed in a 'screw-you' kind of way. Kakashi's eye curved into a grin (he was the only person Sasuke knew who smiled with his eye and not his mouth), a grin that conveyed 'you're-the-one-who-should-be-worrying-about-that'.

Furious, Sasuke opened his mouth to retort when someone cleared their throat behind him. He turned back to the altar to face an impatient Sasori and a nervous Kisame.

"Say 'I do', kid – it's simple," the red haired criminal said, rolling his eyes.

Deciding enough was enough, the raven-haired boy ground his teeth and stated firmly, "I do – AGH!" Before he could finish saying the word 'don't' Itachi had appeared out of nowhere and delivered a fist to his stomach, causing Sasuke to double over in pain.

"Good! Now you may kiss the bride," Sasori grumbled, slouching in relief.

Kisame, who had been waiting for this part eagerly, squeed with joy and crushed his bride to him, who was still trying to regain his breath. He clutched Sasuke's chin with one hand and his waist with another. The S-Class criminal leaned in and….

(Because the author is no good at writing dramatic kissing scenes, especially involving guys, there will be a short intermission until it's over)

-INTERMISSION-

As Kisame pulled away, Sasuke twisted desperately in an attempt to escape his grasp, all the while wondering when he would ever actually be kissed by a girl. He could hear Kakashi and Jiraiya's guffaws and Sakura and Ino's screams of frustration, and his face glowed bright red.

"Awww! Sasu-chan is embarrassed," Kisame cooed, tickling his chin affectionately. "Let's not have you suffer any longer! Off we go!" Out of nowhere the blue-skinned man whipped out his sword and bashed a rather large hole into the wall behind them.

"Wait, where are we going?!" the teen demanded warily.

"Why, silly, our honeymoon of course! And then to meet my parents!" Kisame chided.

"Honeymoon…OH MY GOD!" Sasuke screeched, remembering Itachi's comment about what happened on honeymoons.

Sasuke's screams still resounded for a whole five minutes after Kisame had already dragged him away. Sitting in the front row, Deidara hummed thoughtfully, remembering Sasuke's curvy hips.

"I think I know who's gonna be the uke!"

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A/N: Yesh, I was actually pleased with how this came out. And for all of you who were wondering, no, I did not incorporate a SasuNaru scene in here. That part where Sasuke thought that Naruto cleaned up good was simply a friendly observance, but nothing more.


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